still no laptop moniter.  still no warranty information from my dad cuz he's lazy.  still no money.  still no Zoloft.
still no happy.

[untitled]
Mis manos
vacíos
siempre agarrando, siempre sintiéndose
nunca encontrando
tan cerca
perdido
sus manos
repletos
seguros, amados, tibios
mis manos
pequeños
débiles
sólos, siempre sólos
tus manos
grandes
fuertes
idos y perdidos permanentemente
temo
mis manos
siempre moviendo
siempre retorciendo
siempre teniendo
per nunca teniendo verdad
mis manos
vacíos
Vida.

My hands
empty
always grasping, always feeling
never finding
so close
lost
their hands
full
safe, loved, warm
my hands
small
weak
alone, always alone
your hands
big
strong
gone and lost for good
i fear
my hands
always moving
always twitching
always holding
but never holding truth
my hands
empty
Life.

www.darfurfast.org.

do it. seriously. i am. i know money for
college students is really a hot commodity, but this is a really good
cause, and its money saved by skipping out on something else, and whats
missing a measly meal or coffee that day? do it and i will love you
forever =)

On Tuesday, we woke up at 4:15am to get to the airport. Our flight was at 6:15am...ugh. We got to Miami, and I gotta say, the city is frickin huge. holy wow. Eventually we caught our other flight and got to the Bahamas at 1:30pm, and we waited @ baggage claim FOREVER, and as it turned out, my brothers bag got put on a later flight, so yeah. He was pissed. but they brought it to the hotel later, so no harm no foul. Then it was another 45 minutes to the hotel, and when we finally got there, we were all exhausted, so we took a nap. Oh, and on the way to the hotel, we got to see bits of the actual people & houses and stuff...a lot of it was run down =(. But nonetheless, the people still looked content, and relaxed...oh my word, down there, EVERYONE is laidback & relaxed. They take everything sloooowly. Later that night, we went down to the ocean, and checked out this HUGE aquarium structure they had at the hotel, which was cool. And the ocean was gorgeous! white sand & aqua/blue water...=). And the water was warm. When it got dark (which was at like 8pm...the sun sets really early down there), we went back to the hotel and just relaxed for the night.
On wednesday, we were supposed to change rooms (they were overbooked, so we were in a 1-bed room for tuesday night), and there was a big mixup, and they told us to wait in our room for the bellman & the keys for the new room, and we waited for over an hour, and then we went down to complain and they said oh we werent supposed to wait! So we missed breakfast, but I was just like..whatever, who cares, and i got pissed at my dad cuz he was acting like a huge baby but oh well! Then we went back up to our room, and a bellman came and we got a new room...with an ocean view!!! oh it was BEAUTIFUL!! Then we had lunch quick and went to Seahorse Sailing Adventures (the snorkling people...such a cliche name lol). Snorkling was frickin awesome. We saw tons of exotic fish, my dad saw a little jellyfish, and there was tons of coral, even brain coral! (god i'm a nerd). Oh, and a very, very sunburned back. haha. It's better now though =). Then we napped, and then went down to the beach again, where I just relaxed and wrote soem people.
On thursday, we had breakfast and then went to Downtown Nassau. It was really cool, I bought lots of souviniers =D. For myself I got a coach purse (probably a knockoff, but who cares, its pretty and was 25 bucks...I LOVE haggling!!) and a wrap, and then some stuff for other people. Hopefully I'll get that mailed/handed out this week. We also went to Señor Frogs, but I wasn't that impressed *shrugs*. It was cute too, 2 little boys sang a song for us for 2 bucks, hehe. Then we went back to the hotel, took a nap (seeing a pattern?), and then went down to the pools. First we rode the Lazy River for a while, and then went down a slide, and then hit a couple pools. It was cool, because they call some of the pools "baths" because they are heated! Which felt soooooo nice. Then we went to dinner at this restaurant that was like...clown themed, you could get your face painted, there were clowns walking around and stuff, and there was a clown on stilts, which my dad & i had our pictures taken with heh. I tried a Bahama Mama, but it wasnt that great *shrugs*. After that, my dad took me down to the casino, to teach me how to play blackjack in a casino, he gave me $90, and i DOUBLED it! so i paid him back his 90 and kept my 90! woohoo i like blackjack! plus its just super fun to play, winning or losing =). And, i got 2 blackjacks in a row at one point. heh.
On friday, we woke up at like 7, to go swimming with dolphins! Oh my god, that was so surreal. We actually got to jump in the water, and pet the dolphins, and then, 2 at a time, we swam up and: kissed, hugged, fed, and danced with a dolphin! SOOO cute & SOOO much fun! After that, we swam back up to the deck, and one by one, swam into the water & laid on our stomachs, and had the dolphins push us by our feet super fast! it was really exciting lol. Then we came back to the hotel and had lunch, and then went down to the pools again. We went down an enclosed tube slide, where it was pitch black most of the way, and then went through a straight part that was in the shark tank, so you could see the sharks. Then we went down a 60-foot, almost vertical slide! it was TERRIFYING! but fun, i screamed the whole way down, which was like .2 seconds haha. Then we swam in one of the "baths" again. For dinner, we went to a steakhouse, which was really good. I tried a rum & coke, and it was disgusting. I felt bad wasting it though, so i kept drinking it, but on my second sip, ry saw me shudder, and so my dad said he would drink it =P. I also tried conch soup (the conch is really popular down there), which was really good. Then dad & i played blackjack again, but we lost =(. But overall for the trip, we were still up, so its all good.
On saturday, we had breakfast, and then at noon went parasailing! SO gorgeous, you could see so much of the city, and on the other side was just ocean forever. 500 ft. in the air, so much fun =). Then we swam in the ocean for a while, and got all the sand off by going in a pool =P. Later, dad & ryan went to play tennis, and I read.
On sunday, I slept for like 2 hours the whole night, sleeping on the floor SUCKS. Then we went to breakfast, packed, checked out, and went through the Dig, which was where you walked through this passageway, and looked into the aquarium. There were lots of sea artifacts, I think it was supposed to be like...they unearthed the lost city of Atlantis (we were staying at the Atlantis hotel) and you were walking through the remains. We saw fish, rays, jellyfish, seahorses, and lots of stuff. it was cool. Then went to lunch, chilled out for a while and watched the rain (it only rained on the day we left hooray), then finally went to the airport. had to go through four levels of security, and then wait forever, cuz the plane was late. i HATE airports officially. We were ahead of schedule to MSP though, which was nice. Got home at about midnight, and collapsed in bed from exhaustion lol. And thats how that goes *nods*

I will be in the Bahamas from Tuesday August 16th (at the ungodly hour of 6:15am) until Sunday August 21st (at midnight...so really, Monday August 22nd).  While there, I will be entirely unreachable, but I will play catch-up when I get back if need be.  Have a great week everyone, I'll miss you!

"Happy" one year anniversary.

One whole year, and I still have a terrible time accepting her death.  It seems like it was such a long time ago, but yesterday at the same time.

Today sucks.

I miss my mom.

IB sucks and if anyone is ever thinking of doing it, just dont.
its so not worth it to have your entire sense of being rest on a stupid test score that will inevitably come out lower than expected, just to spite you and make you feel like a failure.
that is all.

if i just cry hard enough...or scream loud enough...or get angry enough, they'll realize the mistake they made and give my mom back.

how fitting that senior awards night would fall on the 10-month anniversary.  how absolutely wonderful.  as if that night wasnt going to be hard enough.

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything.

last time i was British. Dutch is cool too though.

Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head
and that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head

it's the way that he makes you feel
it's the way that he kisses you
it's the way that he makes you fall in love

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
and that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head
and that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head

it's the way that he makes you feel
it's the way that he kisses you
it's the way that he makes you fall in love

it's the way that he makes you feel
it's the way that he kisses you
it's the way that he makes you fall in love...love....

pretty girl...
pretty girl...

Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
you can never get him out of you head

It's the way that he makes you cry,
It's the way that he's in your mind,
It's the way that he makes you fall in love,
It's the way that he makes you feel,
It's the way that he kisses you,
It's the way that he makes you fall in love...love...

(Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
you can never get him out of you head)
sugarcult...pretty girl

i hate this i hate this i hate this.
i hate being unwanted by the one person that used to make me feel like i was the most important person to him, i hate being the black sheep in my family, i hate that my mom is gone, i hate that this family has fallen apart so much that we needed a counselor, i hate that my dad expected us to fix everything in one session but obviously it didnt but hes not planning on calling him back, i hate that i have to see a psychiatrist, i hate that i can only sleep about an hour in the afternoon on the floor because its the only place/time that those fucking memories of my mom dont come screaming at me, i hate that im sitting here just listening to upsetting songs like john mayer's "comfortable" because thats how i actually feel, i hate that i cant drink right now, i hate that i WANT to drink right now, i hate that i suck at everything especially physics math band..the whole shebang, i hate that i feel this way and end up teetering on the edge of everything practically every day, but mostly...

i hate that i hate.

god, i f'n hate counselors.

i successfully made it through another holiday.  each one gets easier...i actually made it through the day today with very few tears.  very very few in comparison to the past few holidays.  the only times i really felt messed up was a) when my great aunt said she can relate to how my mom felt (im sorry but NOONE, and i mean NOONE knows how my mom felt, and i think there are probably few to no people who truly understand), and b) when my dad handed out copies of the Hospice newsletter thing...apparantly theres a story about my mom/my family in there....i never knew...so i got to read this for the first time in front of my whole extended family....that was awkward....but oh well, its not like they're going to be like "why is she sad" i mean it IS my moms family...i think they kind of understand that 8 months after she died, im still gonna be a little upset about it, eh?  yeah.  probably.  probably indeed.

im going to bed...and this is so early for me, but im wiped out...im so proud....after the night ive had, youd think id be up all night, or worse, youd think id be getting trashed right now. but so far, im as sober as they come, and im going to bed now, so all in all: 2 nights down, 0 nights to go, sober as can be =D im so relieved.

i like doing nice things for people.

on a completely unrelated note, packing up and moving out for a couple days is a lot easier said than done =\